A Soulful Journey

It's Erev Rosh Hashanah, and services are about to begin. The Synagogue is packed.  As the congregants are milling around, shmoozing before services, everyone seems to be distracted by a man who has brought with him a St. Bernard dog. "What chutzpah! " an elderly woman whispers aloud. Services begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the dog behaves. The next morning, the man and his dog arrive early and promptly begin dovening. This time, the dog is wearing its own little tallis and yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer inspection, to be shuckling back and forth as the hazzan intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed. The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The solemn worship service begins.  The man and his dog are back, and this time, just as the hazzan is about to begin the prayers, the dog stands up on its hind legs and howls "Ba-ROOOOOOOCH....!" more melodically than the best hazzan. After the service, everyone is clamoring to...

A prominent member of a congregation came to his rabbi and said, "I would like to become a Kohen." The rabbi, careful to avoid offending the congregant, respectfully declined. "Rabbi," said the man, "if you make me a Kohen, I'll contribute $25,000 to the synagogue." Still, the Rabbi refused. "Alright -- I'll make it $50,000!" Uncomfortably, the rabbi still had to decline. "Final offer: $100,000. Take the money and make me a Kohen -- or else I'll quit the synagogue! Stalling for time, the rabbi asked the man why he wanted to become a Kohen. "It's simple," the man said, "my father was a Kohen, my grandfather was a Kohen ... I want to be a Kohen, too."

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a $1000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour.  Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”

A crumbling old shul building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the rabbi made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.  At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, “Rabbi, I will contribute $1,000.” Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, “Rabbi, I will increase my donation to $5,000.” Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, “Rabbi, I will double my last pledge.” He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, “Rabbi, I will give $20,000!” This prompted the gabbai to shout, “Hit him again, God!  Hit him again!”

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.  He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building.  Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.  "No," said his friend, it's named for Frederic Mann, from Philadelphia.  "Really?  I never heard of him. What did he write?"  Answer: "The check." - Rabbi Dov Peretz Elkins