A Soulful Journey

Two Jews – one young, the other old – were traveling by train from Kiev to Odessa.  Neither knew the other.  The young Jew was well groomed and had lots of packages with him, including a bag overflowing with several kinds of sausage. “Are you Shapiro?” the elderly Jew asked. “Yes I am,” exclaimed the surprised young Jew, “but how did you know?  I’ve never seen you before.” “It was really quite simple,” began the old man. “Travelling on this route with so many sausages, you couldn’t possibly be going to Odessa, because it’s easy to find sausage there.  So you must be going to one of the small towns en route.  It has to be a town with a large Jewish population, since you look Jewish. That means it must be Zhmerinka. “For a young person like you to go to Zhmerinka before one of two reasons, either a marriage or funeral. Since no one has recently died in Zhmerinka, it must be for a marriage. “I know of only two forthcoming ma...

What’s the difference between a Soviet optimist and pessimist? An optimist studies English.  A pessimist, Chinese.  -David Harris Old joke, but it shows how nothings has changed in the past 30 years. 

Who were the first Communists in history? Adam and Eve.  They walked around naked, had one fruit between them, and they thought they lived in paradise.  – David Harris

  How happy was Brezhnev was to be at his dacha in the Crimea:   The first morning he woke early and went out onto the balcony to greet the sun. “Good morning, beautiful sun,” exclaimed the Soviet leader. “Good morning,” illustrious first secretary of our beloved party,” the sun said brightly. After a few hours in his office, Brezhnev again went outside, this time to see the warm, glowing afternoon sun overhead. “Good afternoon, dear sun,” shouted Brezhnev. “Good afternoon, courageous hero of the anti-fascist war and beloved first citizen of our glorious homeland,” the sun answered. Brezhnev went back into the house, took a nap, and then did a few more hours of work before stepping out onto the balcony for a look at the sunset. “Good evening, setting sun,” said Brezhnev with a wave of his hand. “Go to hell, you b$s#t@r!d,” replied the sun, “I’ve made it to the West.” –David Harris

“Excuse me, we’re conducting a poll on the shortage of meat in your country,” the pollster said to four interviewees. “What’s a shortage?” the American asked. “What’s excuse me’?” the Israeli asked. “What’s meat?” the Pole asked. “What’s a poll?” asked the Soviet. -David Harris Freedom and bounty are two great gifts we should never take for granted.

What are the four things wrong with Soviet agriculture? Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. What do the united States and the Soviet Union have in common? The ruble isn't worth anything is either country. -David Harris

UNESCO sponsored an informational symposium on elephants and asked a number of member countries to prepare papers for presentation. The French submitted a study on “101 Ways to Make Love to an Elephant.” The Italians wrote on “Can an elephant be Trained as a Contralto?” The Dane’s study was on “1001 Ways to use Elephants in the Making Open-face sandwiches The Germans study focused on “The Racial Origin and Purity of Elephants.” The Jews’ study focused on “Elephants and the Jewish Question.” And the Russian entry was entitled, “Soviet Elephants: the Greatest Elephants in the World.”   –David Harris

An archaeological mission went from Moscow to an area alongside the Turkish border to excavate a potentially historical site. Because of the site’s location, a KGB agent was assigned to the group. After a few days of digging the team came across a human skeleton but the archeologists were unable to determine just how old it might be.   At this point, the KGB man asked whether he could be alone with the skeleton for a few minutes. “The skeleton is exactly 1,500 years old,” proudly announced the agent after only a couple of minutes. “That’s incredible!” exclaimed the archeologists,   “How did you figure it out?” “Easy.   I forced a confession out of him,” said the agent.   – David Harris

In the last days of the Czar, Jews were not permitted to live in major cities of Russia without permission.   Chaim was able to obtain a permit but his best friend Avram could not. They were standing on street corner when they noticed a policemen walking toward them. “Avram, he’s coming this way. What should we do?” asked Chaim, fearful for his friend. ”Mmmm, let me think. Aha, I know,” said Avram.   “You start running and he will run after you. Since you have permission to be here, nothing can happen to you. That will give me time to get away. So Chaim began running.   Predictably, the policeman set off after him. It took several minutes before the policeman finally caught up with him. ”Hey you,” barked the policeman, “What is the idea of running like that? Wait a second. You are a Jew, aren’t you? I can always tell Jews. I bet you do not even have permission to be here.” “But I do, “ protested Chaim, pulling out the official paper. ”So if you have...