Irv and Seymour make a pact that the first one who gets to heaven will contact the other.
Unfortunately Seymour passes away some months later, but lo and behold, visits Irv in a dream.
Irv is so excited and has questions: Seymour, it's you? What's it like where you are?
Seymour says: it's beautiful here: rolling hills, big grassy lawns, I wander in the meadows all day, sleep under a tree whenever I like, and best of all, every morning and night there's a fifty-foot all you can eat buffet!
Irv says: that's what heaven is like? It sounds wonderful!
Seymour: Heaven? Who said anything about heaven? I got reincarnated as a bull in Wisconsin!
-Rabbi Neal Loevinger
An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says, "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into heaven?" St. Peter says "Look I don't make the rules, you're not on the list, that means you go to hell."
The engineer goes down to hell and introduces himself, gets to know the devil and says "Hey I could make a few changes to make things more comfortable down here." He installs a state-of-the-art air conditioning system and all of a sudden it's a pleasant 68 degrees F in Hell. God looks down and realizes he must have made a mistake and given St Peter the wrong list.
God says to the Devil, send me back that engineer. I made a mistake, he belongs in heaven. The devil says forget about it, this guy's great, I'm not giving him up. God says "Oh yeah? You send him back up right now, or I'll sue!"
The devil says to God "Oh yeah? And where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"
-Rabbi Arthur Lavinsky
A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.
In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "I believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love, care and protection of my master".
"Aha, you may sit on my left" said God.
Then God looked at the cat and said" and what do you believe in"?
The cat replied " I believe you are sitting in my seat".
-Rabbi Paul Kurland
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And for all you political junkies:
Afterlife?
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by
a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting Rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with t he senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."
-Rabbi Joseph Mendlesohn
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