A traditional Jew decides that all the mitzvot have become a burden, so he decides to convert to Christianity. The next morning, after his conversion, his wife sees him putting on his tefillin and she yells, "I thought you converted!" He responds by slapping his forehead and saying "Oy, a goyishe kop!"
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A Wall Street financier becomes exceedingly wealthy, moves into a multimillion $ condo on Park Ave. and decides to have a housewarming. He invites his elderly Jewish mother but she never shows up. Very concerned, he calls her the first thing next morning: "Mom, I thought you were coming to my party. Where were you?" She replies, "I was in your lobby but I couldn't remember your name."
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An (apocryphal) story was told by Groucho Marx about the banker Otto Kahn. Kahn was walking in New York with a friend who suffered from kyphosis. They passed a synagogue, and Kahn said, "You know, I used to be a Jew." The friend replied, "Really? I used to be a hunchback."
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A UJA represenative goes to visit a wealthy business owner, Mr. Herman Goldberg, who never made a contribution, and asks for a one-time offering. Goldberg: Oh. you must be mistaken. You think I'm Jewish. I'm not Jewish, never was. My father wasn't Jewish, my grandfather also wasn't Jewish, alav hashalom.
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A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said,"That was very well done, you were just perfect.
But next time please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow goyim..."
At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said,"That was very well done, you were just perfect.
But next time please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow goyim..."
-Rabbi Arthur Lavinsky
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Why did God create converts?
Somebody has to pay more than retail.
- Rabbi Aviva Berg
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A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and
they decide to get married? When his mother hears the news, however,
she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to
marry a nice Jewish girl.
When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American
girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother
becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically
disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his
wife are expecting a child? The mother is happy for him, but there is
still quite a bit of tension in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother again? "Mom," he says,
"I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy
baby boy? I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have
decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful,"
she gushes? "I've been waiting for this moment all my life? You have
made me the happiest woman in the world."
"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish."
she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to
marry a nice Jewish girl.
When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American
girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother
becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically
disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his
wife are expecting a child? The mother is happy for him, but there is
still quite a bit of tension in the air.
Nine months later, the son calls the mother again? "Mom," he says,
"I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy
baby boy? I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have
decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful,"
she gushes? "I've been waiting for this moment all my life? You have
made me the happiest woman in the world."
"And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish."
-Rabbi Borak
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*
Three brothers - Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel - came to the US as part of the massive immigration of the early 20th century. They all agreed that they had to become fully American, so Berel changed his name to Buck, Cherel changed his name to Chuck, and Shmerel... went back to the old country.
-Rabbi Bob Layman
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